10. Go To The Titty Bar For 20 Minutes: Why? To remind yourself what you will never be allowed to do. Theres a whole list of shit you wont be able to do:
a. Go to play poker with your friends
b. Bachelor parties
c. Cant go to the Super Bowl because you have to pay for a wedding or the wedding put you in a deep financial hole
d. Play in the band that your future wife thinks now sucks even though she loved it when you were in it
Things like that.
a. Go to play poker with your friends
b. Bachelor parties
c. Cant go to the Super Bowl because you have to pay for a wedding or the wedding put you in a deep financial hole
d. Play in the band that your future wife thinks now sucks even though she loved it when you were in it
Things like that.
9. You Will Get Fat: This is a given. You can be all buff and in-shape and eating healthy pre-marriage, but once you get married expect to eat McDonalds 4 nights a week and sit your ass on the couch in front of the TV while hoping and imagining you get reason #8.
8. No More Blow Jobs: Yeah you’ll get them but no where near the regularity or enthusiasm. If your girlfriend was giving it to you 5 times a week, once you get married you can expect it once a month, Valentines Day and on your birthday. If she was doing oral magic tricks and tickling your balls, after you get married expect her to give you licks like if she was being asked to lick a battery and your balls… you balls will only get looked at and thats all.
7. You Have To Learn To Sleep With Your Eyes Open: Why? Because you will be watching a shit load of terrible movies like The Notebook or any Nicholas Sparks adaption. Another thing you’ll need to learn to sleep through with your eyes open is her newly found interest in taking you to her book club because you encouraged her to join because you thought it would get her out of the house.
6. All That Money You Have, Is Now Hers Too: Maybe not all of it, but definitely half. And with that it gives her every right to go and buy some ugly pajamas to wear to bed instead of something sexy.
5. Blue Balls: You see that girl next door that you always wanted to bang? Well now that you’re married she decided that she wants to bang you too, except she knows you’re married and your wife is expecting your 6th child (see reason #4) so she never gives you the time of day and what are you stuck with? Blue balls.
4. Kids: She’s going to want them. It doesnt matter if she wants 1 and you dont, you’re going to have kids and that means:
a. Unless you hit the wife lotto like I did where after 2 kids your wife still looks like this, she will get fat. And her tits will sag. And she’ll have cottage cheese on the back of her thighs. And she’ll bitch and moan about all of the lose fat around her newly found sloppy gut.
b. You will be forced to go to birthday party’s for every one of your kids friends and cousins and neighbors and force you to be that dad that helps out even though you just met all of those people. Believe me, those party’s, they suck.
a. Unless you hit the wife lotto like I did where after 2 kids your wife still looks like this, she will get fat. And her tits will sag. And she’ll have cottage cheese on the back of her thighs. And she’ll bitch and moan about all of the lose fat around her newly found sloppy gut.
b. You will be forced to go to birthday party’s for every one of your kids friends and cousins and neighbors and force you to be that dad that helps out even though you just met all of those people. Believe me, those party’s, they suck.
3. You Will Live Your Life Vicariously Through Your Friends: All you’re going to hear about is how your buddy is hooking up with all women who’s first name ends in the letter “A” around the city and how he’s juggling 4 Asian women at one time and how he got to bang out that girl next door from reason #5.
2. Your Bachelor Party Will Not Be Like The Hangover: Its the movies, not real life. No matter how cool and awesome you are it wont happen. Trust me, Im the coolest and most awesomest person I know and nothing like that happened at my bachelor party and my bachelor party was fucking AWESOME!
1. No More Porn: Yup, no more. You’re not going to be able to watch porn in that little-ass apartment with your new wife in the next room. You just wont have enough time to go from a raging rock hard boner to flaccid and still close out that web browser and close all of those pop-under porn advertisements or take that DVD out of the player and stuff that DVD cover under the couch in 13 seconds. It will not happen. You. Will. Get. Caught.