“There is a new man in South Africa. A man who is responsible; a man whose self-worth is not determined by the number of women he sleeps with; a man who takes care of his family; a man who makes no excuses for unprotected sex, even after drinking. I am that man and I man your brother.”
Those are the words from some ad campaign that I think was run by the government on radio and TV recently. This campaign had all sorts of qualities attached to what a man should be. I remember thinking who do they think they are to even try to define what characters a man should have? How dare they even take a shot at such a subject? I understand that the campaign meant anything but harm and was actually aiming at improving the mental standpoint of SA men in general given the horrific crimes against women and children prevalent in the country. Not to mention one of the world’s highest HIV infection rates in the world.
But that’s not the point. The point is some advertising executives got together and decided what a man should be. Some coke heads got together and listed the “true” qualities of how a “real” man should behave. So yes ladies and gentlemen. What makes man? What makes a real man? I’m only writing this because I have no idea what a man is or should be. I’m not even sure what a “real” man is supposed to be and act like. What I do know is that in my unknown definition of a man, I consider myself a man. I consider myself a man because I can provide for myself and people I’m supposed to be responsible for. I don’t have any kids so I guess it’s just me so in my unknown definition I’m a man to myself. Problem is in other people’s eyes and definitions of a “real’ man I don’t qualify as man because maybe I’m not butch enough, smile and laugh too much, not successful enough, don’t make enough money and don’t have kids and therefore haven’t experienced the “true difficulties “ a “real man” should endure to make him a “real” man. Some may say I’m too hyper and irresponsible to be a man but is that really what a man is supposed to be?
I know you must be very confused at this point but here me out. I want to know what this “real man” is supposed to be. What does being responsible mean and what does it mean to provide for me and my family?
Here’s a scenario. You one of these new age BEE businessmen. You didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in your mouth and had to hustle for everything that you have. Your dad was never there for you in person because he had to work long hours in the Johannesburg mines to make sure you had food on the table, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. Basic stuff but still you had to hustle and hustle hard to get into varsity and make something of yourself. You pushed yourself to extremes to make sure your kids never have to go through what you have been through. You still work an 18hour a day just to make sure you afford that 20thousand a month northern suburb house, the 80thousand a year Michael House school fees and 8 thousand rand car repayments for your wife. You do these selfless acts not to spoil your kids or you wife but to make sure that your kids especially never have to go through what you went through. You don’t want your kids ever to have just bread and butter for diner because there’s nothing else to eat. You want what’s best for your family. And then you come home to find you wife is banging some 21year old varsity student because she feels you not there for her emotionally to satisfy her needs. You handle it the only way your daddy handled it. You smack her upside the head and then some hippie dares to tell you not a real man because “real” men don’t hit women. Really? One flaw can discredit you from being a “real” man? I’m not saying hitting women is the right thing to do. I’m just asking. What makes a man? A real man?
Let’s say you’re gay? No matter how good, responsible, religious, successful, philanthropic you are. In most people’s eyes, because you don’t like women in a romantic manner, aren’t “man” enough. I bet that even butch gay men receive the awkward eye from most of us “real” men out there.
I can come up with plenty of scenarios where perfectly sane seemingly “real” men can be debated about for hours on end because everyone has their own views on the issue. From what I’ve picked up its not about being butch, handsome, successful, strong, providing, respected, suave and all those fancy 5 syllable words. It’s a personal. Everyone has their own little qualities they expect of themselves and others. Some seek success, some humility and some want a strong man that will slap them into order when wrong. Yes, there are women out there that consider this true “real” man behavior. It’s just us new age hippies that look down on it. That means the universal perfect real man is just a dream. Exists only in your head. We are all real men in our heads. And yes that includes the wife beating, cheating, no condom using stealing man.
What I’m trying to get across is that these false definitions of men are counter-revolutionary and are the cause of the very problem the advert is trying to alleviate. We don’t live in the dark ages anymore. We don’t need to subscribe to and aspire to fake ass definitions of how to be a man or woman. Let’s just aspire to be better people.
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